


Skin Hunger

by Anonymous



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Huddling For Warmth, M/M, Touch-Starved, Wire Play, and the only thing he thinks he deserves amounts to rape, but he does need it, hurt/comfort in the second half, more graphic in the first half, nick doesn't understand the concept of needing human touch, nick finds he's a little more human than he thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 22:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18584230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What's left of Eddie Winter returns to Nick one chilly night.





	Skin Hunger

he always felt awkward lying down when ellie was around. he didn't need to be lying down, just like he didn't need to sleep. but when she finally went to bed he usually crawled into the ground floor bed and lay there until he heard her stirring. helped him feel a little more human. didn't make him feel better, per se, but made him a little calmer.

she stayed out late that night. far as he knew she was down at the dugout inn. why not? the inn was warm and full of company, and the office wasn't, not in the middle of december. and things had been busy for a while. she deserved a break. he didn't take the break as much as he could, but he was... he was tired.

when she still wasn't back at one, the usual point where the bobrovs cut everyone off, he gave up waiting and went to his own bed.

he did something he didn't normally do: peeled back the covers and slipped in between. cold didn't affect him as much as it did some of the later gen synths, but there was something comforting about the weight of the blanket on his body. he rested his head on the pillow.

eddie winter came to him that night, still alive, still there in nick's mind. he sat on a chair and smoked and watched nick watching him.

* * *

 

 

_"you know what i'm gonna do to you," winter tells him, flicking ashes and embers across nick's body._

_nick nods, because he does. he's known this day was coming, has known since he put a bullet in the brain of the last man who remembered what nick valentine had been before. is it worth the effort to fight back? he can't bring himself to think it is._

_eddie winter lets his cigarette fall to the floor and comes to peel back the blankets. nick is nothing underneath. nothing but a crude mechanical approximation of a man eddie winter would have loved to kill._

_the tips of eddie's fingers, pitted with radiation burns, stroke across nick's chest, tracing each hole and tear in the flesh. some are old, the nerves long since gone dead, but a few are fresh and still so sensitive that nick sees stars of pain. there is one, above where his heart would be if he were flesh and blood, that is wide enough that eddie slips two fingers inside. the tip of one finger, and only the tip, brushes a cluster of nerves and it's as if an electric shock runs through him._

_"that feel good?" eddie winter asks, and repeats the motion._

_it does. he doesn't want it to but it does feel good. soft, barely more than a tickle, more gentle than anything he's felt in years. he wants it to stop, wants eddie gone--but he wants more. without realizing it he twists his body, angling for more contact on the nerve._

_"oh, valentine." eddie chuckles. "always knew you were a little bit of a slut."_

_doesn't matter what eddie winter thinks of him. he can still access pre-war memories of human touch. of fingers in, of lips on, of things blurred in the darkness of his memories. he wants that, suddenly, desperately, now. doesn't care what eddie will call him._

_winter runs the back of his nail along the nerve and nick groans. his back arches up off the bed. again. he needs it again._

_"when i'm done with ya you won't even remember jenny."_

_"shut up." he's wanted this for more than sixty years. he doesn't want to think of the pre-war nick. doesn't want anything but the feel of someone's hands on his body._

_"excuse me?" winter's fingers catch the nerves, one on each side, and twist, tighter and tighter and tighter. it throws him just past pleasure into pain and he cries out. "no. you don't get to tell me what to do, valentine. that's not how this is gonna work."_

_god. he doesn't care, not as long as somebody's touching him. eddie's fingers don't move. nick's hips buck upwards but eddie doesn't move. the fingers in his chest are the only point of contact._

_"now how about you apologize to me and we'll get on with it."_

_"i'm sorry." doesn't even occur to him to not say it. "christ. i'm sorry."_

_"thank you. was that so hard?"_

_his hands in fists clench tight but it isn't the same as being touched by someone else. the nerves in his chest are twisted tighter--he howls in pain--and eddie lets go. empty. suddenly he's so empty. the word slips out unbidden. "please."_

_eddie is smiling down at him. it's not a kind smile. "please what, valentine?"_

_he reaches out, straining for contact, but eddie seems to glide back, always just out of reach. "touch me. please touch me."_

_"i think we can arrange that." eddie moves closer, still too far to touch. "lay on your back."_

_he does so._

_"good. now lay still a minute..."_

_he doesn't want to lay still. he wants the pressure of..._

_eddie is astride his chest in a moment, his weight pinning him down, and it's not what he wanted but god skin against skin he needed._

_"now open your mouth."_

_he knows what's coming, he has memories still of things better left forgotten, but he does and eddie undoes his fly and his half-hard cock spills out._

_doesn't know what to do but eddie forces forward, into Nick's mouth. plants both hands on nick's forehead, driving him down into the mattress._

_"fuck's sake," eddie growls. "you can do better than that."_

_not built for this. his cheek is torn out so his mouth is always dry. metal bones protrude into it. doesn't have an esophagus, can't swallow, can't suck. just lets eddie thrust in and out of his mouth. but he's not gonna fight, just wants skin against skin, contact, touch..._

_eddie hooks fingers around the exposed wires in his neck and yanks, and the feeling that rips through nick is untouchable. he's coming apart, he's coming..._

_"stop thrashing."_

_no. his hands move on their own, pawing at eddie's bare forearms. his skin is rough and peeling, but god it's warm and steady against his own._

_"are you listening to me? put your goddamn hands down."_

_the wires tighten, god it's too much, it's too much, and then they rip free. the feeling is gone. he can't feel anything. his arms fall back. he can't move. everything is clouded in fear._

_"hey." eddie winter backhands him across the face. that he can still feel, a fleeting moment of contact and the pressure against his jaw. "stay with me, valentine."_

_tries to speak and can't. tries to move and can't. even when eddie pulls out and finishes himself off over Nick's face and neck and chest there's nothing he can do._

_"like making time with a fucking tin can," he says, scowling down at nick. "bet jenny would've been better. or maybe that girl you run with. what's her name... ellie."_

_if he hadn't already lost control of his body that would have knocked him for a loop. he tries to pour everything he has into one strong look but it's all too much. trying to tell him to leave ellie the hell out of it, trying to tell him this is his own doing, trying to tell him--trying to beg him--to come back and just put his hand against his head. that would be enough, that would ground him._

_eddie looks at him as if he knows what he's thinking. "i'm always gonna be here, valentine. you know that. i'm never goin' away."_

_he knows. god, he knows. he's spent years trying to get away from those old pre-war memories and there's no escaping them. there's no escaping this falling-apart scrap heap of a body. it's always going to be like this._

_eddie winter reaches out to just skim his fingers over his chest and nick would arch up to meet him if he could. nothing will change. nothing will ever change._

_"see you around, valentine," eddie says softly, and he steps out of nick's sight._

* * *

 

 

"nick?"

he's shaking. entire body trembling, the bedframe squeaking beneath him. he's falling apart.

"nick?"

not her. not ellie. not like this.

"nick!"

he comes apart at the edges, sobbing, and he opens his eyes. she's there. she's standing over him and...

...and he's lying beneath the blanket, shirt still buttoned, as if he only lay down a moment ago.

he only laid down a moment ago.

ellie is standing there, looking nervous, but she smiles a forced tight smile. "having a dream or something, huh? i didn't know you could do that."

he doesn't know what to say to her. he folds his arms against his chest--he can move them, was eddie did to him was a dream, it was a nightmare, it was a hallucination--and cries the only way he knows how. quiet, repressed sobs. no tears. he's not built for tears.

ellie goes to the stairs up to her bed and he realizes suddenly how desperately he doesn't want to be alone.

"ellie," he whispers.

she pauses on the stairs and turns her head a little toward him but doesn't look at him. "yeah. need something?"

he doesn't know what he needs. he only knows how badly he needs it. "please..."

the sound of that word coming out of his mouth, the word he said to eddie or thought he had, makes him sick. what are you, he thinks to himself, some kind of pervert? this ain't ellie's problem to deal with. if he wants somebody to do to him what eddie did he can go find a super mutant to rip him apart. that's what he wants, isn't it? that's what he's been yearning for. right?

ellie glances his way and then looks away again. "what do you want me to do?"

he cries again--why is he doing this? why can't he just not... it's pathetic, but he would give anything for eddie winter to be there. at least... at least...

ellie takes a few careful steps toward him. "nick? what's up?"

he curls into a ball, rocking himself back and forth. hurts--everything hurts--but he doesn't understand why. nobody's hurt him. nobody's so much as touched him.

"what's going on, nick?"

he barely hears her. "i don't know. christ. i don't know..."

she comes over to him, and he's so tense his non-existent collarbones ache, but she puts a hand lightly on his shoulder and he strangles another cry in his throat. he can barely feel her but he knows she's there and he's falling to pieces, crying louder now.

"i can't..." he mumbles, but he doesn't know what that means. "i... i can't... it's nothing you can fix."

"what if i get arturo? could he help?"

"no." he doesn't want anyone else to see him like this. "i don't know what... he can't." he rises up a little on the bed, just to feel her hand on his shoulder, before he realizes what he's doing and pulls back. "god, ellie, i'm sorry..."

ellie shrugs and he can see her swallow hard. "you don't gotta be sorry. stuff happens."

he digs his fingers deep, deep into his arms. it isn't enough, it has to be but it isn't, and he doesn't know what else to do.

"aw, nick," ellie says, so low and gentle it breaks his heart, and she sits down on the edge of the bed and puts her arms around him.

he wants to push her away--she can't, he's... he's... but it feels... he whimpers without realizing it.

"nick?" ellie asks again. "you okay?"

he's not. but it's... "tighter?" shit. shut up.

"what?"

he shakes his head desperately. nothing. it was nothing.

but she laughs. "if you're fishing for a hug all you gotta do is ask."

no, no, he's not...

she hugs him tighter, pressing up against him, and he falls apart.

"am i hurting you?" she asks, her voice afraid, and she tries to pull back but he can't stop himself. if she lets go it'll break him. he gets his arms around her and hugs her back. she hesitates for a moment before she hugs him tightly again.

he sobs as if he could actually cry. her weight on his body is grounding, she's warm, she's touching him. it's a relief he wasn't prepared for, and all she's doing is sitting with her arms around him.

"it's okay," she says. she rubs the heel of her hand in a circle on his back and he can only cry harder. "whatever it is, we'll figure it out."

without meaning to he buries his face in her shoulder. his temple presses against her neck. skin against skin. grounding.

"you want me to stay with you tonight?" she asks.

"you don't have to."

"sure. but do you want me to?"

he does. very, very much so. he doesn't know how to tell her.

"scoot over and give me some room."

she lays down beside him. god, she's lying there next to him and he's thinking of eddie winter and he can't do this. but god it feels good to have physical contact with someone.

"it's okay." she's still got her arms around him and he's near someone. he's right here, in this body he can't escape, but she's touching him and that's enough to keep him in this moment. "is this helping at all?"

he can't bring himself to look up at her. he only nods into her shoulder. "i'm sorry."

"for what?"

isn't it obvious? "this. for all of this."

"i don't understand, nick. all of what?"

"the..." he leans into her and then pulls back a little. "this."

"aw, nick." she's holding onto him so tight he thinks he can feel her heart beating. "what's going on with you?"

"don't know." he doesn't know. he can't understand why this feels better, when he knows he's scaring her and upsetting her. "it's nothing. just a lot of nothing. i'm sorry."

"that's okay. sometimes you just need a hug."

she's warm and she's solid and she's there and he can't let go. doesn't want to hurt her. doesn't want to scare her. but he can't.

"were you having a dream? i didn't know you could do that."

"me either." he's so tired he can't even lift his head off her shoulder. he's running too warm. if he overheats he'll have to shut down, but that's seeming less and less like the worst option. ellie doesn't move away but he's afraid if he touches her with his metal hand it will burn her. he knows he has to let go, but he can't.

"you're nice and warm," she says, like she knows what he's thinking. "i don't even need a heater."

he chuckles without even thinking about it. "least 'til i shut down."

"oh." she sounds alarmed. "is that what's gonna happen? should i leave?"

"no." he doesn't mean to cry again but he does. if she leaves... "if it happens it happens. i don't..." he doesn't want to be alone but god help him if he can voice that.

"okay. if it happens, then what do i...?"

"don't have to do anything. you don't gotta be scared. it's like... it's like sleeping."

"yeah?"

"yeah."

it's like sleeping. it's like sleeping, and eddie winter will be there. there's no getting away from that. he can't remember having ever been so tired before. fine, he thinks. let eddie winter do whatever he wants to him. he's here with ellie, and when he wakes up again and it's over she'll be the thing that's real.

"if that's what you want to happen," ellie whispers, "then okay."

he closes his eyes, and he lets it go.

 


End file.
